[BLOG] Waiting for #Warlords – A Sanitarium.fm Public Service Announcement

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Scarlet_Dragon
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Joined: 02 Feb 2014, 21:04

[BLOG] Waiting for #Warlords – A Sanitarium.fm Public Service Announcement

Post by Scarlet_Dragon »

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If you are one of the millions of European WOW players, you may have heard of the new Warlords of Draenor expansion that dropped this week. Unfortunately, if you are one of the millions of European WOW players, you will also have experienced massive wait times that would test even the most experienced British queuer.



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Alas, due to everyone wanting a piece of the action and DDOS attacks, my household has also fallen victim to the over-subscribed servers, with Lonesamurai twiddling his thumbs and clicking the ‘refresh’ button like it’s going out of style. In order to retain whatever sanity you may have left, I have put together a list of survival tactics, to be used in your time of need.



Step 1: Consider other Devices
Despite your undying need to explore Draenor, please be aware that other forms of entertainment exist and can be utilised to stave off the bloodlust. Halo for Xbox One has been a successful substitute for the Samurai of the house. Until he fell asleep with controller in-hand on the sofa, and that one time, mid-game when Xbox One decided to install an unwanted update. If one form of media is no longer enough, please consider turning on all electrical appliances in the house. TV, radio and even an alarm clock can trick your mind into believing you are amidst the most crowded raid your garrison has embarked upon.



Step 2: Other People
The thought of interacting with those outside the online world may be daunting, but persevere. You may discover a long-lost friend or spouse living in your home, and suddenly the source of that annoying background noise is explained. Mystery solved? Oh no, that list of chores is swiftly thrust in your face, and you can embark on a new adventure.
You may have also been fortunate enough to copulate with a member of the opposite sex. If so, chances dictate you are a parent, congratulations! Depending on the age of your offspring, they can be an infinite source of entertainment. From the small drunk person known as a toddler, to the stroppy teenager, a few choice words or a laser pointer will become your door to a new world of time-wasting. (These methods could also be employed in Step 3.) Who knew there was a world away from your desk?



This man does



Step 3: Escape to the Zoo
For whatever reason, you may discover aforementioned friend or spouse has left for greener pastures. Do not despair! Many humans share their private spaces with furry, scaled and hairy animal friends. Play can be a great bonding exercise for them and you, expanding your horizons and making you feel like the pack leader. (Unless you own a cat-then you are definitely the bitch in that relationship, believe me, I know). If your animal companion no longer functions or harbours a hatred towards you (again, I’m looking at cat owners), stuffed animals can also be a friendly alternative. Just be aware of open windows when you “do their voices”. Doctors can be really concerned about that sort of thing.



Step 4: Sustenance
Your main diet over the last few years is likely to consist of Doritos, chocolate, beer and Mountain Dew. Whilst these foods provide much needed vitamins and minerals, it may interest you to know that other flavours are available. For instance, right now, a wonderful creation known as ‘ice-cream’ may be lurking in the back of the freezer (above the big box that beer lives in). You could also try dusting off the old telephone and getting back in touch with your local take-away establishments. They will be pleased to hear from you, even though they thought you had died and sent pizza to your mother, in memory of their favourite customer.



Step 5: Porn
If you need instructions for this, you are too young to be on the interwebs.



Step 6: Acceptance
If none of the above have been successful, or you realise you are too morbidly obese to leave the desk, there is one fool proof method to pass the time. It is recommended this is used as only a last resort as you will look like a baby, and once it starts, you may be unable to stop;



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By Scarlet Dragon
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